Crucial Conversations

I took a break from blogging for a couple of weeks while on vacation in Arizona.  It was a memorable time, between the heat – in contrast to the Vancouver weather I was escaping – and driving out of a snow storm leaving the Grand Canyon.  But it was memorable for another reason too, which is what I want to talk about today. 

Have you ever encountered situations or learned something that became pivotal to your personal life or career?  Of course you have…that was rhetorical!  My trip to Arizona turns out to be pivotal for me, but not because of the heat or snow.   Before leaving for my vacation, a friend talked to me about a resource she’d come across and suggested that in my quest to keep learning new things, I might find it useful.  Well, it certainly has had an impact on my perspective, and I want to share it with you. 

I started reading a book called Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.  This book is now in its second edition, so readership has been around for awhile and continues to build momentum.  I’m not done reading the book yet, but I can already see how it is yet another resource to add to my own leadership arsenal, and one I will share with developing, emerging leaders in my circle. 

Frankly, I found the early chapters boring.  Who doesn’t already know that there are three ways to handle a crucial conversation:  1. Avoid it, 2. Face it and handle it poorly, or 3. Face it and handle it well.  Given these three options, I prefer the last one, but if I’m going to be honest with myself, I’ve spent a lot of time opting for doors 1 and 2.

 Being stubborn and one of those folks who rarely stops reading a book even when it is not captivating from the beginning, I pressed on reading page by page.  Then the holiday was over and I had to be back in the office.  Oddly enough, the book I thought wasn’t teaching me anything new started cropping up in my thoughts as I encountered the variety of situations leaders face on a day-to-day basis.  I started observing others interacting and noticed opportunities to nail conversations more effectively and with resolution.  Then I tested some of the lessons I read and learned about in the book, and while that took a lot of nerve and courage, lo and behold, I recognized that some of the stuff from this book just might work!

For example, when I purposefully opened myself up and injected a high degree of “heart” in my conversations and demonstrated some of my own vulnerability - which most of us find risky- I could see how that gave prospect to more possibilities in the discussion.  This strategy actually took me places I don't think would have been possible in a regular, run-of-the-mill conversation.  So for something I thought was uninspiring at the onset, I’ve turned full circle.  My first impressions of this book weren’t great, but I see real potential now. 

I’ve included a few resources for you if you want to get a glimpse at the book’s content.  See this PDF link entitled Book Notes and/or this Powerpoint presentation.  In my view, this book is worth a close look by leaders.  If you have read it and would like to share a story, why not let me feature your experience in a future blog?  I’d love to hear from you.  In the meantime, take care and have a great week!

Mirror, mirror on the wall....

Who do you confide in when you’ve got a workplace dilemma? Do you vent with your family when you get home, or do you have a network of former or current colleagues you can call on for moral support? What about your frustrations? Who do you trust enough to say what’s on your mind and in your heart when it comes to what’s not going so well? How about your fears that failure is stalking you? If you’ve ever found yourself asking who to turn to for any of the above, you’re not alone.

Like most leaders, you’ve come to realize that things aren’t always going to go your way. There are the usual hiccups that one learns to accept as par for the course. Usually, these types of glitches just run off your back. Then there are all the other times. You know what I’m talking about: those “once- in- a- blue- moon” times when you are caught off-guard and confused about what to do next. Or you’ve been snagged in the political web -the sticky, icky kind- and you don’t know what to think.

Sometimes, when things get desperate, you might begin to wonder if you’re really fitting in with your team, or your organization. The Gallup Organization has been doing workplace surveys for years, and one of its twelve key questions asks respondents whether they have a best friend at work. In answering whether you have a best friend at work, you’re exploring how you fit in with your organization. Answering this question might also give you some insight as to whether you’ve got close connections with whom you can check out your perceptions. (See Overview of the Gallup Organization’s Q-12 Survey by Louis R. Forbringer, Ph.d. for more information on Gallup and the survey).

I had a former colleague who worked with me in a remote Canadian First Nations community who reached out to me on a daily basis. Maybe I’m exaggerating a bit…but it was at least once a week. Honest. Now that I think about it, it was partially because we both had little in the shape of social networks, but I learned to expect a visit or phone call from this gal anytime. Invariably, when things were really bad, the talk usually ended after a few tears on her end and reassurances on mine. Admittedly, there were times when we reversed roles. I don’t know that we solved any of our respective problems-of-the-day, but I think we both felt little better just getting things off our chests.

A mentor of mine told me that as a leader, I had to get used to talking to the mirror. At the time, I thought he meant that there were always going to be certain things that had to be reserved to be discussed in privacy and only to that person in the mirror. Period. I understood this to mean that some opinions, questions, or concerns were best kept to oneself. I found this stressful. As I matured, I realized that the “mirror” analogy could include one or two key people in your life with whom you could share most things. Now days, I feel strongly enough to say your mirror should reflect a small, trusted network (no pun intended!).

In my world, I do have a few folks I use as mirrors; good work friends who’ll set me straight or tell me I’m way off base. Then again, they’re the same people who form my support system when I need it the most, and I know I am their mirror as well. Sometimes the mirror is just for a quick glance and “flick of the hair” or touch-up. Sometimes a bit more maintenance.

Turns out, having a mirror in my life has been fantastic – but I warn you: you have to look high and low for the right one or two. I hope if you don’t have your mirror(s) that you’ll find one soon. If you have another solution to the concept of a workplace mirror, or if you have a “best friend at work” and you want to share your story, please drop me a line @ jbezz@shaw.ca.

I’ll be heading out tomorrow for a short holiday and will be back in a few weeks. No blogs from me until the middle of April. I sure hope you’re enjoying these entries. I know I am.

Take good care of yourself!